


And So It Goes

by LauraMesser



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confessions, Dean Screwing Everything Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Hatred, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 14:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5131376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraMesser/pseuds/LauraMesser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas has a confession for Dean. How will he react?</p>
            </blockquote>





	And So It Goes

**Author's Note:**

> This is also published on FanFiction and my first venture for Supernatural and Destiel, I've posted it before but took it down to tweak it a little.   
> Thanks for the support!   
> 'And So It Goes' by Billy Joel is the song.

In every heart there is a room, 

A sanctuary, safe and strong.

"Cas, I can't do this… y'know I can't," Dean spoke softly, he felt the urge to protect himself and his… friend.

"Dean, I never asked you to do anything, I just told you how I felt," Cas replied with sincerity and with utter innocence.

"What didya expect me to do with these… feelings y'had?!" Dean started to become agitated but with his own stubbornness rather than the naïve angel's ideas.

"I wasn't sure. From what I've read, when you tell someone you love them, you have to get married and have children..." Cas continued with complete innocence.

Dean sighed and held his head in his hands. Sam had left for a supply run and he'd just sat down for a beer with Cas in the Bunker's library five minutes ago.

Castiel had begun to ask him about love and if he'd felt it before and, of course, he'd replied with an ignorant; "No chick flick moments". Cas had yet to understand the meaning of "chick flicks" so he carried on and casually confessed to Dean;

"All the books and television shows and knowledge I have found has given me an epiphany on love; and it is that I love you,"

Dean thought nothing of it at first and shrugged it off with an "I love you too, man,", brotherly, at best. But Castiel wouldn't shut up.

"No, Dean, I love you."

Dean had looked into his tired blue eyes and realised what Castiel had meant, then proceeding to spill his beer on himself; he ran off to the kitchen, blushing, which leads us to where we are now.

Cas continued, "… But I now realise that you do not reciprocate these feelings; which is not uncommon might I add, as these television shows do teach of unrequited love. I shall leave you with your beer," Castiel walked away from him and his shoulders slumped a little.

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

"Cas! Wait!" Dean shouted with pain in his heart.

Castiel swivelled on the spot and faced his first and only love.

"I know how y'feel, but I've loved an' lost, man! Surely, even you know that! I couldn't think of losing ... hurting you," Dean spoke with pain in his voice.

"Dean, you could not hurt me, I am an Angel of the Lord, I will heal myself…" Castiel reassured him but his naivety had him, once again, lost.

"No. Cas, I wouldn't want to hurt you - emotionally. I loved Ben and Lisa, an' I'd still managed to hurt them, I had to give them up for their own good. I loved my Mom an' Dad, they're dead because of me and the 'family' business. I love Sam more than anythin' in the world an' I've put him through the most pain. There are so many more people I've lost. So I refuse... are y'listenin' to me?" He grabbed on to Castiel's wrinkled trench coat to thoroughly ensure he had his attention, "You've gotta understand what I'm sayin'! Okay? I refuse to get hurt anymore 'cause've STUPID love!" Dean cried out as his voice cracked under the pressure building in his heart.

I spoke to you with cautious tones 

You answered me with no pretence

"Even... Even if it means not bein' with someone I truly love, I'm not doin' it again," Dean spoke softer, more cautiously now. His eyes became more watery and blurred with tears as he let go of Castiel's coat and turned away to face the wall.

"I am sorry, Dean," Castiel spoke in hushed tones with anguish for his best friend.

And still I feel I have said too much

My silence is my self defence

Dean quietly sniffled as the tears he'd held in for so long ran, uncontrollably, from his eyes. Castiel wanted to say something, anything, but he knew that when you love someone you didn't need to say anything or do anything to help, other than be there for them. And that's what he did, he stood by Dean's side with a hand on his shoulder, in silence.

Dean had finally been able to stop himself from crying and rolled up his dampened sleeves as he turned to face Castiel once again.

"M'sorry, Cas. I didn't know tha' was gonna happen and I certainly didn't wannit to... at least not in front of you," Dean shrugged Cas' hand away from his shoulder.

"Dean, this self-defence mechanism, as you seem to refer to it as, is more than anything, self-destructive. To be able to love again, or even protect yourself from being hurt again, you must stop treating yourself as unworthy," Castiel half-smiled at his pained friend.

"When did you become a friggin' psychiatrist?!" Dean joked but he knew within himself what he has to do.

And every time I've held a rose

It seems I only felt the thorns

"Dean, just because you have not been able to save people from monsters, and save them from you in the past; does not mean you cannot learn to save them in the future. You still have Sam, after all these years, you have kept Sam safe and he knows you love him," Castiel announced.

"Barely! He's almost died dozens of times, a mostly because of me! I am poison, Cas! All I do s'cause death an' destruction! Why won't y'believe me? You've known us for years, an' you've seen what I do…" Dean shouted in agony at his own self-hatred.

"…and yet, I love you," Castiel interrupted.

And so it goes

And so it goes

And so will you soon, I suppose

"What if you die tomorrow or I die tonight on this hunt… what do we do then? How does your…love… save us then?!" Dean stabbed Castiel with a hot poker of terror with that thought.

"Then, I'm glad I told you how I felt now. It's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all, Dean," Castiel replied as Dean sat, perplexed, as to what his next remark would be.

"Have you ever lost someone, Cas?" Dean asked with sheer ignorance.

"How dare you! I have given you everything I have, I have slaughtered my brothers and sisters for you, I have sacrificed my sanity, my well-being, my grace; my entire life was sacrificed for you! So, don't you dare accuse me of being ignorant of loss Dean Winchester!!" Castiel screamed, becoming enraged for the first time in this discussion.

"M'sorry, that didn't come out the way I meant it to," Dean apologized, he was ashamed at himself for even thinking of that accusation.

But if my silence made you leave 

Then that would be my worst mistake

"Maybe, I should just go, before Sam gets back," Castiel spoke up after a prolonged silence.

"He wouldn't want you to go. He'd probably blame me," Dean chuckled to himself.

"Do you want me to leave?" Castiel asked, wanting the truth, wanting a "no".

"Well, we've got work to do and we'll need your help with this angel…demon…tablet thing," Dean told him passively.

"Dean! Do you want me to leave?!" Castiel demanded him to answer him with a personal answer, not a professional one.

So I will share this room with you

And you can have this heart to break

"No."

"If you cannot give me a reason for me staying then I must go, for, as you said, I refuse to let myself get hurt," Castiel stung Dean with his own words as he turned his back on him to head towards the exit.

"Because I can't bear to be apart from you; when you aren't around, I feel as though a piece of my heart is missing and without you here there is no friggin' sunshine! Is that what you wanted to hear?" Dean spat the words full of sarcasm and nothingness in Castiel's direction. Why he couldn't admit his feelings was beyond him. Surely, it wasn't because Cas was a dude; well, an angel in a dude's body, he wasn't gay, was he? Was gay the right word? Was it for protection? Was it for punishment? Too many questions with answers Dean couldn't find.

"You may live deaf to your feelings and devoid of 'chick flick' moments Dean Winchester, but you certainly do not do it to protect others because if you did, you would have 'manned' up and told me to leave already. You would have saved me the pain of your own self-pity boiling over to burn me too." Castiel stormed out of the kitchen, completely infuriated, and was about to fly out of the war zone when Dean called after him.

And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

"CAS! DAMMIT! I didn't mean to.. It's not you!! I Just... I.. Can you just... You've got to understand!! I've never felt this… had another guy… feel this way about me," Dean, half-assed, excused himself, good old foot in the mouth Winchester.

"Dean, I may have surprised you, but I am no 'guy', I am one of the most powerful angels of the Lord and I can't fight you anymore! I'm fighting for you! You need to understand that I have never loved before and that you cannot be excused for being such an ass!" Castiel ached in his chest and he began to well up.

"All I meant is that, I've seen it all, and life is not some teen rom-com. You don't just get together and live happily ever after once everyone has admitted their feelings for each other in some soppy clichéd speech," Dean explained.

"Why?! Why can't we have hope? Why can't we believe in happily ever after?!" Castiel questioned him becoming more upset with each word.

"Then everyone would get hurt! It never works out and no one gets to be happy!" Dean shouted.

"Why can't we be happy? After all we have done for this world, don't you think you deserve to be happy, Dean?" Castiel asked, almost accused.

And so it goes

And so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

"Why didn't you leave? After the whole Lucifer rising crap, after we put him back in his cage. Why did you come back?" Dean questioned abruptly.

"Because you asked for help, you needed my help to get Sam back his soul…" Castiel answered blankly.

"Why do you always listen when I pray, when I call you come, when I… sneeze… you're there, goddammit! Why?!" Dean questioned him with rage.

"We have already answered these questions, many times, Dean. You and I share a more profound bond, when you pray, I can hear you and I am certain that I don't just turn up to see you sneeze. And most of all, I love you," Castiel answered him with confidence but still lacking in common sense.

"Dammit CAS! I've shouted at you more times than I can count, we beat the crap outta each other, we've lied to each other, and we've almost killed one an' other! Why don't you just leave an' save yourself the hassle of ending up on the long list of funeral notices the Winchester family has lined up!" Dean was almost pleading to himself that Cas would just leave at this stage. He loved him too much to see him just become another name on a headstone. Please. Please, just go. 

"Because, Dean, that's what love is, being shouted at, annoyed, hurt and upset but coming back again…" that's when it hit Dean Winchester that whatever he said, whatever he did, Cas would be there. He needed Cas. Cas' answer, to every single question or call of Dean's; 'of course'. 

He was done pushing. Can't push forever, even Dean's not that stubborn. He decided he would either push as hard as he could or give in, he tried one way, time to try the other...

So I would choose to be with you

That's if the choice were mine to make

Dean walked three feet closer to Castiel and stood about two inches from his face. He stood slightly towering over the ancient angel's vessel and he leaned in and hugged him. Dean squeezed every ounce of love he had for his precious angel into that hug.

"I know what love is, Cas," Dean finally responded after five minutes of silent hugging and he stepped back a little, "an', trust me, I'd happily love you with everything I could offer," Dean smiled with a slither of hope.

"Then why don't you?" Castiel asked, confused but calmed by Dean's soft confessions.

"Because this relationship isn't just about us. It's about Sam an' Kevin an' Metatron an' Crowley an' Abbadon an' Heaven an' Hell an' Purgatory an' everythin' else in between. Whatever we do, it affects everythin' else, even though, we don' wannit to an' we don't mean it to; it will," Dean answered dimly.

"Do you always have to do what is right? Why can't you do what you want for once?" Castiel inquired as he pulled Dean in again for a hug.

"When people are selfish... people... innocent people get hurt." Dean said blatantly and squeezed Castiel tighter while a tear trickled down his face, his voice breaking in admission.

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

"I can make decisions too Dean, I can choose what I want to do as well," Castiel released a little and looked into Dean's paling green eyes.

"Of course you can. You're all grown up now, right? I mean, at what stage do angels reach maturity, do…" Dean's joke was cut short as Castiel smoothed his tanned hands around Dean's stubbly face. Castiel pulled him closer so their lips just brushed against each other. Castiel mouthed, "I love you", as he closed his eyes and thrust his lips into Dean's. Dean revelled in the kiss and never pulled away or said a word.

And so it goes 

And so it goes 

And you're the only one who knows…

Except for Sam who had stood on the stairwell for at least 10 minutes, quietly cheering 'finally!!!'...


End file.
